Fresh Oil

73 years old and for as long as I remember … I have been covering up my social ineptness  and working hard to function as expected.

Always out of sync –  never really felt complete or that I measured up to the required behavior. 

Have no sense of direction,  or time,  or finances.

Not connected to the concrete necessary decisions and follow-thru for success in this life.

Rarely finished anything – rarely any follow thru. Unless, it was in the spirit world.

Great and glorious intentions – no attention to the details or what it takes to live well here in this realm.

Especially in a culture change, that said a woman didn’t need anyone else and could take care of herself.

And her children – alone. 

And success was judged by a career and a salary.

And being able to manage life on your own. I don’t and can’t figure the how to…

My husband’s pet name for me was always

– “Kathy – damn it – didn’t I tell you…”

Lots of masking,  leaking a sense of failure in every conversation … trying to appear together and capable.

(Why I love praying in tongues – I don’t have to say the right thing or be the right thing – I just have to yield.)

I was the two year wonder woman – dancing hard under water – trying to appear as if I had it together this time.  But failing – 

I always felt lacking and that I need someone or something to help me “do it right – to function in this world.”

But never understood how other people could… have it together and why I failed every time.

Think: “so spiritually minded – she’s no earthly good”.

 But – Always recognized for prayer results. 

They may think you’re flighty and air-headed but will search you out for to pray in the solution or insight to a life issue.

This weekend as all the successful, dynamic, forceful women of our family gathered for my sister’s 70th birthday – the billboard sign lite up. 

My sweet, young, beautiful niece- in- law  and I were discussing autism and how being wired differently is viewed in our culture.

How overwhelming and demoralizing being different is. Having a operating system that is not standard issue. How society needs this difference – the genesis, the joy, the love but it doesn’t allow for being different and (what is judged by them) to be lacking. ( in my case – lacking common sense and an awareness of what is happening in the moment)

It touched me deeply – an ahah moment – tears I could not stop. Still can not stop.

73 years — and thankful for the overwhelming love of God and the realization that I am how He made me. 

This is my operating system.

The price of not recognizing it as a gift and not a failure is late in the game.

And the cost of forcing myself to try and succeed in a culture that does not value what I was wired for has been high. 

Believing Him for a restitution of all that was lost … that how I’m wired is a gift …it was a purposeful decision of God to place me this way, in the time, in this place. Quit trying fit in and realize I am wired for a different realm, a different way of thinking and allow Holy Spirit to guide me in the art of existing in two different realms at once – a fish out of water but still in a stream !!

Need to regroup, step back and allow for Him to take care of me.

Praying I remember where I put my keys – the lost driver’s license and that  Christmas is this month… 

Merry Christmas.  All is calm.  All is bright!